Beach Sand is Really Just Fancy Dirt

I'm going to start this post with a statement that may offend some of you: I don't like going to the beach.

There, I said it.

Admitting you don't like going to the beach is kind of like admitting you don't like kittens, small children or apple pie. It's almost Un-American.

First, some admissions: the ocean is beautiful, the weather and temperature are perfect and it is a lot of fun for most- but not for me.

Let me explain. We love going to Newport Beach's Balboa pier. Its my favorite beach to visit, albeit even there it's a reluctant trip. Why is it my favorite? Just one reason - great parking. That's right, Balboa could force me to walk over rotting corpses but as long as the parking is good, I'll take it.

When you arrive at the beach or just before you leave, we all know the first thing you have to do is to smear suntan lotion all over. I hate this. And if you have kids, you get to rub it into them. I hate that more. Of course if you don't do this right all you're risking is potential DEATH from skin cancer. Is that something you have to contemplate while relaxing at home?

Despite all of the rubbing and smearing, somehow, some way, you inevitably miss covering something and end up with a blazing farmer's tan or worse a sun burn. Nothing like spending the week afterwards being reminded of your mistake with every subsequent twitch of your neck!

After lubing up, it's time to grab everything you brought with you. What is about the beach that requires so much stuff? Are we moving? How is it a trip to the public pool requires a towel and flip-flops, but the beach requires every member of the family to saddle themselves like domesticated pachyderms heading out on some sort of Saharan trek?

You finally get everyone loaded and then you step onto the sand. Suddenly your walking like you're drunk in public and you feel like your feet have 50 weights on them (which is ironic because each arm is carrying at least that in supplies). And the sand! I know most of you love walking on the beach with the sand between your toes. To you, the sands of the beach are almost mythical, therapeutic even.

Folks I hate to break it to you: it's just dirt. Yep dirt. You know, the stuff you yell at your kids for throwing at each other. Dirt.

Trust me on this one, I'm a lifer in the Mojave Desert. We know dirt. And beach sand is just fancy dirt.

Some of you may not know this, but your body has magnetic reaction to beach sand. Really this is true! That's why within four steps you've got sand wedged into orifices and cavities you didn't even know you had. And the best part is, it's not coming off until you actually get in the car, wherein the same sand on children spontaneously demagnetizes and works its way into every nook and cranny of the car where it remains for life.

Have you ever tried eating at the beach? Do you like your chips gritty?

Does anyone really enjoy swimming at the beach? The water is freezing, full of seaweed and who knows what else. I mean really, all of our storm water drains to the ocean. You've seen storm drains before a storm - do they look clean to you?

Finally the blessed hour arrives when your kids have so much sand on them that they look like they might start barking and chasing after Jawas that it is time to go.

Balboa has a public restroom. It also has outdoor shower. However, what you soon realize is this shower will be unlike any other shower you've taken. This one will have an audience! There's nothing better than trying to excise this demon dirt from the afore mentioned orifices and cavities with twelve complete strangers watching you, all of whom are waiting for their turn at futility in the shower.

Then you go into the restroom to the change. Thanks to perverts of the world, Newport Beach has removed all of the stall doors from the Men's Restroom. Because of the omnipresent dirt, er, sand, the floor has turned into a substance that looks like it was created when someone accidentally tipped over a rent-a-john. So there you are, trying to change, with no privacy, no shame and no chance of actually getting clean, when a complete stranger rounds the corner (he has no idea you're there because there's no door). Awkward!

Yes everyone has a good time, especially the kids. But the happiest moment for me is always getting in the car to come home .

Marnie would love to move to the beach (easier said than done). Maybe someday we will, but in the mean time I try to point out that where we live now is a lot like living at the beach.

After all, we've got plenty of dirt.

Here it comes...

I've made no secret that I believe the Obama Presidency may very well be one of the greatest disasters in history. No, my friends of the left, that does not mean I want him to be a failure. As one who will be shortly again be entering the job market, I would love for things to turn around and it would not bother me in the least for the President to get all of the credit for it. However, more and more his policies are reminding me of the gold standard of unmitigated presidential catastrophes, Jimmy Carter.

Now there is plenty of time for Obama to wake up and turn this thing around. And, believe or not I am the first to say I support the President in regards to his very unpopular yet correct position on the war in Afghanistan. He is doing the right thing there.

But let's assume BO's presidency ends as Jimmy Carter Part II. To what will the experts, the pundits and history attribute his failure?

Enter the Governor of New York David Paterson. Unlike the President, the verdict is in on Mr. Patterson who seems to start each week with a goal of setting new lows in incompetence, unpopularity and futility. Let' s just say he's meeting those goals.

Now, to what does Mr. Patterson blame his failures? On his polices? No. His decisions? Nope. Mr. Patterson blames it all on race.

How will the left explain a failed Obama Presidency? Will they be intellectually honest and talk about his polices and provisions that have only divided the country? Will they talk about his broken promises? Will they talk about his liberalism? Or are they just going to drag out that tired old race card?

Here's my challenge to all Obama supporters. If Obama's presidency fails, do us all a favor and leave race out of it.

He'll have no one to blame but himself.

Getting to Know to the Real Man

All of us have a friend who, for lack of a better term, is just clueless. You know, the one who, despite a bazillion different ways to stay informed, two weeks after the fact, still has no inkling of what's happening in the world. "MJ did WHAT?"

You know they have no idea what's going on, because on that rare day where they venture into into the world of the informed and actually make a comment about something, they always preface it by quoting the most all powerful and omniscient source in the universe: The They.

"They say that...(fill in the blank)" Why must they refer to They? Who are the They? Well people like this have their heads shoved so far down into the ground, it takes a "they" to tell them what the heck is going on.

Well eventually, after enough time, even the ignorant begin to figure things out. Yes it takes time. Sometimes it takes more than an election, an inauguration, one hundred days or even seven months of total media saturation. Some how, some way, the unknowing finally become the knowing and the light goes on.

Which takes me to our President. Never in the history of politics or maybe all of history has someone come so far on so little. No I'm not referring to his abject lack of experience before office (yes liberals, Sarah had similar shortcomings, but she's not the President now is she).

No I'm referring to then candidate Obama. Hope, change, we are the ones we've been waiting for, what did all of that really mean? Who is Barack Obama?

Those of us who have watched this man over the last two years knew what these terms meant. We reacted in horror as he and his wife proclaimed their desire to fundamentally change this great country of ours. We warned the world of what was coming. But the world did not listen to us.

Now, finally, after all of this time, our friends are finally figuring things out. And you know what, this time for once our friends really getting things. This time, they aren't listening to "The They." This time, their seeing what this President stands for, what he's trying to do. They are finally seeing who Barack Obama is.

And you know what? Our friends don't like it. And they don't like him.

When Bad Movies Fail Can You Really be Surprised?

The Times today ran an article on Universal execs responsible for movies that recently bombed. Of course they are now full of hand-wringing and angst. How could this happen? What went wrong? Whose going to loose their job?

I was struck by the movies mentioned in the article. No, I was not surprised that these toilet ringers were on the list. What' shocking to me is that there wasn't a single person on any of their seventy million dollar budgets with enough sense to say: Hey Mr. producer, these suckers are DOA!

What follows is my take on a few of these duds. Nope didn't see them, just reviewing the premises:

The Tale of Despereaux: Okay this may have been an okay movie and I love a great kid flick, especially the recent "Up," but really, another movie featuring a mouse/rat/rodent as the protagonist? Did someone at Universal not see Ratatouille? Does the name Mickey ring a bell to anyone?

Frost / Nixon: Obnoxious British reporter "grills" former President. Hey let's make an entire movie about a television interview! Nothing gets my blood going more than a Matt Lauer interview. Oh that they could all be two hours long! The movie was further doomed by the fact that most of the principles on whom the movie was based completely denied and discredited most of the film. What was left? A fictional television interview. Exciting!

Land of the Lost: I loved the original TV show with its campy special effects and seventh grade acting, but really, did we really need another movie with people running from dinosaurs? Did anyone finish JP III and find themselves just wanting more? And to make it a PG-13 movie too?

Public Enemies: This one just flat out bewilders me: another gangster / mob movie. How did this get made? Critically may have been a well done but really, haven't we beat this genre to death already? Folks, this horse is dead!

Funny People: Dying comic learns greater fulfillment in life. Doesn't sound too bad right? Except this is a Apatow film meaning the movie must have sex and nudity literally falling out of the theater doors and launch more F-bombs than a boatful of sailors (there were 151 and I'm not making that up) . With so much garbage, who could really feel the touchy feely stuff? Dumb!

Honestly, isn't this all further proof that the studios no new ideas? At what point do we run out of comic books and old TV shows? I want originality!

Still, I can't wait for Smurfs the Movie in 2010.

Proud Future Owner of Dodge Caravan!!!

Some of you may know that one of the few perks I receive in my job is the unfettered use of a company car. I don't have to pay for gas, registration or insurance. I do track my personal miles and these are counted as income for tax purposes. Granted with five kids, we have like nine thousand deductions, so it doesn't hurt to bad.

My current vehicle, a Dodge Magnum, came after I went through about five Ford Tarusi (I think that's the plural). For those of you unfamiliar with the Taurus, they are widely known to be the "disposable razors" of the automotive world.

So the Magnum was defiantly a step up. It looked cool(er), its rear-wheel drive, and frankly faster than 2.7 liters of engine would imply. Plus half the unlearned public thinks it has a hemi.

The Magnum was also my first company car to be logo'd. Now it's not as bad as some of our competitors, who seem to think that airplanes should be able to see the company name on their cars. The original labels (which were changed after my company was purchased) covered both doors, but now occupy the driver and front passenger doors only. Unbelievably, despite the logos the question I get asked by members of the public: Is that company car (read red-neckvoice)? Nope. I'm just a really enthusiastic policy-holder.

With almost three-years of driving bliss behind me comes word now that I will soon be the proud new owner of another company car. Now think of all of the cars in the world. Now think of the one you want the most. Now think of the opposite and you get...

A 2010 Dodge Caravan SE!

Okay, the positives: uh, it seats seven people. Yes that's great except I am by myself 99% of the time. Sto and go seats? Again, great if I was in the grocery delivery business.

Negatives: do I really need to list them? Its a minivan! Duh! Now I can look like a industry schmuck and a soccer mom at the SAME TIME!

Well since learning of this exciting news, I've tried to comfort myself. Yes I'm still employed. Yes it's still a great benefit. But my greatest solace? It could always be worse. Our department head?

He had a Chevy Corsica.

No Way to Make this Better

There are a few public figures who, at the mere mention of their name, create within me the instant urge to projectile vomit. A small, though not exhaustive, list includes Jimmy Carter (whom I'm convinced may have been the worst President in history, more on him another time), Paris Hilton, and former Presidential Candidate, trial lawyer and all around cockroach: John Edwards.

Most of us will recall that Edwards, who at anytime had about as much chance as becoming President as I do of, uh, receiving an F-18 for my next company car (post on that coming soon), pretty much ended his chances politically when he admitted to having an affair.

You may also recall that Edwards, always the consummate lawyer, vehemently denied paternity of his lover's baby and incredibly attempted to mitigate his transgression (not discretion as this is often called) by stating his wife's cancer was in remission! Yes because finding out someone has cheated on their cancer-stricken wife is so much more palatable when you hear the spouse actually had a chance at living!

Now comes word that Mr. Edwards will soon admit that, despite heretofore denying such, he is in fact the father of the child.

Seriously, could this guy be any more revolting? Despite "coming clean" and "taking responsibility" he now, undoubtedly due to some sort of incontrovertible evidence (read DNA) and after several years of denial finally admits he fathered a child?

Is Edwards the first Politician to have an affair? No. Do I hold as much contempt for Republicans who steep to similar behavior? You bet. But there is something about Edwards that is just simply revolting. Like the old saying goes, how do you know John Edwards is lying?

His lips are moving.

Design I Get Excited About

Most men do not get particularly excited about design shows and well fashion. If most of us were pulled over by the fashion police, we would go directly to jail without collecting two hundred dollars.

Consider however this garage. Now to me this is the perfect marriage of design and function. The garage is inside the house. This comes close to design perfection. Maybe if it had a frig in the room too.

I don't think this would work with any car - a Prius, or a Camry probably would not be the same inside your living room. And let's be honest, if I had a Ferrari, I would park it in the bedroom.

When Morons Play with Bears

I will never claim to be an outdoorsman or some sort of survival expert, but I've learned over the years of camping and being in the mountain areas that when one happens upon a bear, of any size, there is but what one appropriate reaction: run, flee, avoid, escape.

Recently I've caught two articles on what can only be described as living proof that natural selection is alive and well in our society. The morons shown in the photo from here in the San Bernardino mountains clearly do not understand the implications of what they are doing and have somehow learned to overcome one's natural born inclination to avoid man-eating animals.

In Colorado, moron number two thought not only feeding bears was a great idea but decided to do so, on a regular basis at her house. Why their like pets she told friends! Imagine the hilarity that ensued when neighbors came over to discover her being eaten by same bears at her home.

Can you really blame the bears?

My Favorite Wrestler Lost...

A few days ago I was in my second floor office working when I heard the unfortunately familiar sound of Winston, my seven year-year old, coming up the stairs moaning. Those of you who have kids know this moan. It's the one that sounds like a whale that has been shoved into a can of soda.

This usually means he's been hurt by one of his brothers (shocking, I know). Except this time he had actual tears coming out.

He walked up to me, placed his head on my shoulder and with the saddest voice told me he was super sad.

I asked who had beat him up this time?

No one had beat him up he replied. Then he said, in one sentence, "I'm sad because we were watching WWE and my favorite wrestler Ray Mysterio was wrestling in a cage lost and he got into a big fight with someone and he was almost going to win but then he lost." As he said it a fresh round of tears squirted out.

Sometimes I forget just how little he still is. Moments like this one help remind me.

When Leaders Fail to Lead

We all remember President Obama's announcement, shortly after he was inaugurated that he would be closing the Cuban based Guantanamo Prison (aka Gitmo) within one year. Though the left immediately applauded this announcement, many conservatives responded with questions as to how exactly this closure would take place. For example, what should we do with all of these would-be evil doers currently located in Gitmo? (I say we need to find a nearby astroid to send them to).

In making the announcement, Obama failed outline any specific plan for closing the prison. Now, still lacking a plan, the President has begun to back away from his earlier statement, with the administration recently saying that closing the prison is more of a goal. Of course the President has stated that he has a committee or two working on a plan.

Similarly we see this leadership pattern with the Health Care debate. While constantly beating the drum of reform, the President has yet to come up with his own plan. To boot, he has even refused to endorse any of the plans currently on the table. This non committal attitude has lead to rumors as to what secret agendas the President really has (witness the "death panel" rumors) regarding health reform.

Obama's non-leadership for some may be a welcome change. Bush was often criticized for being too decisive and leftist may argue that Obama is simply allowing the process to play itself out by deferring to his panels of experts.

I think Obama's leadership gap is the result of the fact that he does not have the slightest idea of what he is doing, and I think this is a direct result of his complete lack of real-world experience prior to being elected. Can we say Jimmy Carter?

Regardless of why he is being gun-shy, the President would do this debate and the country a big favor by refraining from constantly about the need for reform and spend more time talking about what he feels that reform should be.

Too Many Prisoners Equals a Riot?

In California one of our local prisons had a huge riot a few days ago. There has been much hand wringing over what caused this and it was assumed that the cause was overcrowding. The Times today cited a 2007 report citing that warned of over-crowding caused riots. There's only one problem with this. The riots had absolutely nothing to do with over-crowding but were actually caused by racial tensions among Black and Latino prisoners.

Now why would the Times want to de-emphasize this?

Evidence of Just How Bad the Economy Is...

This article appeared on the front page of the BUSINESS section of the L.A. Times yesterday. What struck me as funny was the serious tone of the author. One can almost feel the angst as he wrote of the decrease in pay these "adult" film stars getting. Why can't the press realize porn stars are just glorified prostitutes?

Health Care is not the same as Health Insurance

Throughout the last few weeks of the ongoing saga that is the BO Healthcare Reform debate, I've come to the conclusion that part of the problem is that we are simply confusing the issues.

As I read the various pundits on both sides, I'm struck at how often the issues of quality of care are confused with insurance issues (and vice versa). Insurance of course centers around risk and who should bear that risk. This is something I know a great deal about.

Health care of course deals with what happens once a loss (i.e. an illness, injury etc) occurs.

Part of the problem is that we've come to think of health care and health insurance as the same. Additionally, consumers treat health insurance totally differently than any other form of insurance. For example, no one would consider paying insurance premium to insure against the cost of oil changes. Why not? That's just maintenance. Yet we seem to have no trouble expecting insure against the cost of routine medical exams. Yes part of this may be because of the cost involved (if oil changes were $300 a pop)!

I can't help but think what we really need is more freedom for consumers and the introduction of greater market forces. I know many on the left feel, wrongly I believe, that market forces are ruining health care.

In auto and property insurance we are regulated in California by the fair claims and settlement practices. These rules have done a pretty good job of keeping insurers honest.

I do have some ideas on reform. I'll be happy to share them later. In the meantime lets make sure when we are talking about health care, we really are talking about health care and not the allocation of risk.

Even Porsches Sometimes Come Out Ugly!

As a consumer and an admitted car fanatic (I admit it, I have serious problem) I'm sometimes perplexed by various marketing schemes or campaigns I see. Sometimes I wonder, how on Earth did this ad/ etc make it on the air? Don't they have committees for this?

By way of example Saab's recent "Born from Jets" campaign. Pathetically, because Saabs have about as much in common with Jets as I do with say, uh, Brad Pitt, the ads, in not so small text, were forced to disclaim at the bottom that Saabs no longer had any affiliation with aircraft making. Was that even necessary? Like some guy is going to sue because he later finds out his Saab came from a Chevy instead of an F-16.

Beyond bad ad campaigns are cars that are just plain ugly. Most are familiar with the now infamous Pontiac Aztek (the most "versatile car on the planet" was the pitch). Many who saw the Aztek and were able to control the dry heaving wondered how it made it to production? GM of course has been lampooned for allowing this to happen.

This brings me to the new Porsche Panamera. Besides having a name that sounds like some sort of exotic sandwich bread the car is flat out ugly. It looks like someone took a 911 an put it in some sort of cake decorating tube and squeezed out a car.

Porsche faithful went nuts a few years back when the Cayenne was introduced (the first Porsche SUV). Because the Cayenne is now their top selling model many in the press have been gun shy about second-guessing Porsche's wisdom. I'm not.

I don't care if they sell a million a year. At 100k a car better make me weak in the knees. And this one makes me weak in the stomach.